Boys are relational learners—they learn best when they have a positive relationship with their teachers. Studies strongly suggest it; male students eagerly confirm it. But teachers sometimes fail to see it.
Boys tend to do a good job of keeping their emotions in check, masking their vulnerability, and failing to ask for help when they need it—a nod to cultural norms learned early in childhood, experts say. (Think: Boys don’t cry.) But these stereotypical gender norms can keep boys and their teachers from building strong relationships, which research shows is critical to helping boys thrive in school.
“Teachers find the idea of boys as relational learners very compelling, very convincing,” said Michael C. Reichert, a psychologist, author, and child advocate. “I think we all know the truth. It’s just obscured by these stereotypes that interfere with our confidence in what we perceive.”
Reichert, who has worked with children in settings as varied as the juvenile justice system to independent private schools, said teachers’ use of “relational gestures” can work to initiate and maintain positive learning relationships with students—especially boys.
Through extensive research involving interviews and surveys with more than 1,000 teachers and 1,400 male adolescent students in 35 schools and six countries, including the United States, Reichert and his colleagues sought to better understand why certain boys succeed at school and the role that student-teacher relationships play in that success. Ultimately, they honed in on eight strategies that both students and teachers agreed contributed to positive learning relationships. (Download a tip sheet on the eight strategies at the end of the article.)
Here are some key questions and answers about what relational learning looks like in the classroom and how teachers can build better relationships with boys in the classroom.
Are both boys and girls relational learners?
All students are relational learners, explains Reichert. But unlike boys, girls don’t tend to need strong relationships with their teachers in order to persist or succeed in class. “Many girls will persist in learning, even with a weakened connection to a teacher,” he said.
Reichert said boys tend to disengage, not pay attention, or act disruptively when they perceive a teacher as ineffective. In general, boys, despite being relational learners, more commonly resist relationships with their teachers, Reichert said. And when they do, teachers tend to react personally.
“We had stories [from our research] of teachers who concluded that, ‘this boy just won’t learn from me,’” said Reichert. When this relationship breakdown happens, teachers may be inclined to put the student in the back of the classroom or otherwise remove him from their orbit.
Can female teachers effectively form relationships with male students?
Most teachers are women, and many advocates push for more male teachers in the classroom, reasoning that boys benefit from positive male role models (as do girls). But being female doesn’t preclude teachers from forming strong relationships with their male students, Reichert said.
“We heard many stories of boys who were uplifted—transformed even—by relationships with female teachers,” he said.
Forming a strong relationship with male students has less to do with gender and more to do with a teacher’s flexibility, understanding of being the “relationship manager,” and willingness to persist in building relationships with students, Reichert added.
What does it mean to assume the role of relationship manager?
All relationships require give and take by both parties involved. But in the case of a student-teacher relationship, the teacher must be the “relationship manager.” That means they should be the one extending relational gestures toward each student and continuing those efforts even if a break in the relationship occurs, said Reichert, who acknowledges that it’s not necessarily an easy role for teachers to take on.
“Sometimes when boys experience a breakdown or a disconnection with a teacher, it manifests in ways that are very upsetting to teachers,” he said. “Boys can become disruptive, they can become uncooperative, they can become belligerent, or they just kind of quietly drift away and either coast or stop performing altogether.”
Boys identified disrespect by the teacher, or what they perceived as disrespect, as the primary cause of relationship breakdowns. Those accusations are sometimes unfair, Reichert said—"but it’s still true that if that boy is disconnected, he’s not going to learn from you.”
Taking it personally won’t help the situation, said Reichert, who urges teachers to regulate their own emotional reactions and keep trying to reach out.
Are boys drawn to teachers who are easy graders?
Not necessarily. Boys whom Reichert interviewed frequently cited strong relationships with teachers who maintained high expectations of class conduct and quality of work. This was especially true of teachers who made clear their expectations and believed their students could attain them. “Easy graders” didn’t factor into boys’ responses about their teachers.
Boys also reported having strong connections with teachers who demonstrated mastery of their subjects.
How important is it for boys to feel their teachers know them?
Very. The boys and teachers in the study both agreed that a key part of the student-teacher relationship is when students feel known outside of what they’re like as a learner.
This could involve gestures as simple as a teacher asking about a student’s involvement in an extracurricular activity, such as a school play or sports team. It also helps when students and teachers share a personal interest, Reichert said.
Similarly, boys reported that they connected more easily with teachers who were open about their own vulnerabilities—especially when they shared the same challenge; for instance, difficulty staying organized or retaining information long term. A boy might even be more motivated to overcome a weakness upon hearing their teacher’s journey, added Reichert.
Is it normal for teachers to need support practicing “relational learning”?
Absolutely. Reichert advocates for “peer learning opportunities” in which teachers can share with each other what’s working to build strong relationships with students, as well as what leads to relational breakdowns. He also urges school leaders to create the space and the support for these opportunities to happen.
After all, building these relationships isn’t always easy or natural for teachers.
“Don’t give up on yourself. This relational pedagogy will take you to the edge of your competence. You will find yourself embattled and defensive,” Reichert said. “That is a wonderful time for you to reflect on what’s going on so that you can become even better at your chosen profession. Because when you are better, you’ll be able to reach and exercise the transformative power of connection for more boys.”
Below, a downloadable tip sheet identifies Reichert’s eight relational strategies and spells out some dos and don’ts for building strong relationships with boys.
This story is part of a special reporting project exploring why boys, overall, are doing worse in school than girls—and what can be done to reverse the trend.
Why school isn’t working for many boys: Teachers report in a new survey that boys are less motivated and focused than their female counterparts.
The data are clear: Girls, on average, find more success at school than boys. Explore key data points highlighting these disparities.
Reimagining what schools can look like: Find out how four schools get boys excited about learning.
Student-teacher relationships matter: The key to inspiring boys in the classroom is a strong student-teacher relationship, experts say. Here’s how to make it work.
Why boys don’t want to become teachers: Boys would benefit from more male role models in the classroom. Here’s what schools can do about it.
A downloadable tip sheet: Boys are relational learners, experts say. Here are eight key strategies on how to reach them.
